If This Be Snackcakes, Part 2: Stay Golden

Yesterday, I focused on the single-page Hostess ads Marvel ran from 1975-1982, but in 1984 Marvel ran a full issue that could have put any of the shorter strips to shame. While not officially sanctioned by Hostess, it was just as crazy as any of the actual ads, and features one of the few villains who, ostensibly, makes sense to be swayed by the promise of tasty, tasty food. I present now for the approval of the Midnight Society the tale of Golden Oldie: Herald of Galactus:

Marvel Team-Up vol. 1 #137, written by Michael Carlin, pencils by Greg LaRocque

Marvel Team-Up #137, part of the '84 Assistant Editors' Month event where most of the titles had sillier fare than normal, featured the unlikely team of Aunt May, Franklin Richards and Galactus. Opening with Galactus' then-Herald Nova dying in an attempt to procure food for her master, Galactus, weakened from hunger and in need of aid, reaches out to the one man he knows can perhaps help him: Reed Richards of Earth. However, he attempts to locate Reed by standing outside of the Baxter Building and shouting at him, effectively reducing the cosmic giant to the equivalent of sitting outside in his car, honking his horn.

Galactus' attempts to get a move on, brah, are in vain, however, as the Richards, along with son Franklin and Johnny and Ben, have gone to the circus for the day. Also in attendance, coincidentally in the seats right next to theirs, are Peter Parker, then-ex-girlfriend Mary Jane, Aunt May and despite seemingly disappearing after one panel, May's boyfriend Nathan Lubensky. While the two groups try and settle into their seats, Reed happens to spy a newspaper headline about some never-named trouble in San Diego that only the Fantastic Four can help if they go RIGHT NOW because that's how late-breaking the newspaper is. Seeing a chance to not have to sit through the circus with his ex, Peter slips away and returns as Spider-Man, offering to go with the Four.

Despite Ben (who seems to be the only one who actually wants to watch the circus, being way too in to the clowns) kindly offering to stay behind and watch Franklin, he is dragged along as well and the child is left in the care of Aunt May after being vouched for by the masked vigilante. May, Franklin and MJ continue to enjoy the circus until Galactus, following Franklin's "presence" due to its similarity to his fathers', arrives and attempts to recruit the boy as his new herald. Aunt May steps in front of Galactus' blast of Power Cosmic and takes the full brunt of it herself, transforming her into... THE GOLDEN OLDIE.

Without enough power or time to reverse his mistake, Galactus takes on May as his herald, but not before Franklin tries to assuage the giant's hunger by offering him some of his Twinkies. Wait...

What the hell are "Grosstest Twinkles"? You just spent seven years shilling for Hostess, Marvel, and they wouldn't let you use the real thing? Anyways, Galactus deems Twinkles an acceptable substitute for consuming planets but needs them in no small quantity. Utilizing her newfound powers, Golden Oldie gathers every Twinkle on the planet. Still far from satiated, if Galactus ever truly can be, he forces Oldie to take to the cosmos and assume her true duties as herald to locate acceptable planets for her master to consume. First, however, she finds a planet-sized pack of (plastic-wrapped) golden snack cakes in the middle of space.

After signaling for Galactus to come and chow down, may is attacked by the "planetoid"'s creator, a cosmic Dough-Boy who also looks similar-but-legally-distinct to a brand-name baked-goods' mascot. Banished from his homeworld for the heretical crime of creating giant edible delights which were not doughnuts or... something... criminy, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense here (par for the course for snack-based stories). But the dough-boy claims his creations are offerings to his culinary god, which he assumes to be made flesh in Galactus upon his arrival in the middle of their fight. Golden Oldie proposes this Creator takes on her role as Galactus right-hand and act as his personal chef, which both parties readily agree to.

Released of her servitude, Golden Oldie returns to Earth to find MJ and Franklin waiting in some nondescript spot for her. Upon hugging Franklin, his mutant power which I forget exactly how it works activates, and he absorbs the remaining Power Cosmic into himself, returning Oldie to regular old May Parker. Just in time too, as the Fantasti-Car descends on the scene. Having rushed home after hearing of Galactus' arrival, the three tried to play it cool as if nothing had happened, and would have gotten away with their ruse if someone didn't show up and blow it for them.

And that's the story of the greatest snack-cake product placement that never was. And then it turns out this was all a dream(-within-a-dream-within-a-dream), but I still choose to believe this all took place in-continuity somehow. Because then otherwise my favorite Galactus panel of all time would never have really happened: